It's been a while since I've posted on here. I guess I haven't needed this release as much as I used to. I am so very blessed to be surrounded by people with big, compassionate hearts. I don't need this space as much anymore because I have people who ask me about Jane and let me talk about her.
My grief, however, will always be mine. Sometimes all I can do to get relief from my grief is to just dive into it head first. Grief can't be rerouted to a more convenient time. Grief isn't a race to get to the finish line, it's just part of who I am now. It's part of my everyday. I do dishes, help with homework, kiss my husband good morning and carry a heavy heart. Everyday. “Hi, I am Christy Clark. I am a wife, mom, Mormon, daughter of God and a grieving mother.”
Jane’s 5th birthday is next week and I'm starting to feel that anvil on my heart return. The knot in my stomach and cry in my throat. I wish so much we could be having a princess or shopkins or rainbow-unicorn-mermaid party. I wish I was buying a new dress to wear with matching boots. I wish I could braid her hair really cute and special for her big day when she is a whole hand old.
Instead I will slow down my pace, pray extra hard this week, attend the temple and try to feel her close to me. I will love her brothers and have more patience for them. I will share the gospel with anyone who is willing to listen because it is what brings me deep and meaningful peace. My faith is my comfort. Through my efforts of study and prayer, I have had beautiful and sacred experiences that I know were given to me by a loving Heavenly Father. These are the gifts I can give to my little Eliza Jane this year.
Happy Birthday baby girl!