Jane’s death and my grieving is a constant part of my life. The best way I can describe it (this is seriously cheesy...you ready?) is like the tide of the ocean (yep...the cheesiest).
But seriously.
The tide is always there and can be danced in but sometimes it overwhelms you. It usually catches you off guard and when it does you find yourself in an extremely ungraceful flipping backwards fall and completely engulfed in sticky salt water.
I have realized in the last 4 months that I am an extrovert. I feel good being around my friends. I love talking about Jane, it makes me feel like she is right next to me. But sometimes I need that ungraceful back-flip in the sticky salt water. Those moments that wipe me out are necessary and healthy for me. They are very private, even Bryan isn't usually around when they hit. They are inter-reflective and cathartic. Crying, for me, is a purging of emotional tension and sadness. It is in those moments I truly feel like I am a grieving mother. I am reminded how difficult my trial is.
I lost my only baby girl.
I saw her lifeless body. I watched doctors frantically try everything they could to save her to no avail. Then I watched those same doctors and nurses cry, really cry, for us. That was really hard stuff for a girl who is still in her twenties. Actually, that is really hard stuff for anyone.
Those back-flipping, ungraceful moments are also a reminder of how lucky I am to have been my sweet princess’s mommy. After about 5 minutes (to 15....depending on how bad it is) of being sad during my sob session I start feeling blessed and privileged. Why was I chosen to be her mother? I will probably never feel worthy to be such a perfect little angel’s mom, but I will try my whole life to be. And the tears continue, but now in gratitude. Thanking my Heavenly Father for giving me this opportunity to be Jane’s. Thanking Him for letting me have 13 hard and wonderful months with her.
Then I feel strong. I reflect on what I have been through the last 4 months and I am amazed with myself. Who ever thinks they can survive something this hard? Definitely not me! But I have!
I can do hard things.
Your posts inspire me to carry on through my trials. I love your strength. Thank you for writing your feelings even though they are very deep. Love you Christy♥
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ReplyDeleteFrom one momma who lost a baby girl, to another... I understand. Grief lasts a lifetime as far as I can tell. It's been 10-years now. I still have my good days and my bad. <3.
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Christy, Please know that we are praying for you and your sweet family. I cannot imagine your loss, but you are an inspiration through your writings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective. Sending much love.
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ReplyDeleteWe do not know each other, I found your blog (like so many others) because of your post that was shared on FB. While I have never lost a child, I do know grief. My mom passed away when my oldest child was 20 days old. To say it was ROUGH would be putting it nicely. I still grieve, these 10 years later. It was hard for me (and maybe your feelings are different) when some people in the church would try to sweep my sadness under the rug because of our knowledge of the Atonement and resurrection. On one particularly hard day I was studying the scriptures and I came across D&C 42:45 that reads (in part): Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die... This was an answer to my unspoken prayer that I needed someone to validate my sadness and who better than Heavenly Father Himself?
I don't know if you are in need of this scripture right now, but I have been thinking about it and you lately and felt like I should share.
Heavenly Father says it's okay to be sad when someone dies. He loves you and understands. I saw in some of your previous posts how you weren't sure what the 'time limit' was for mourning. There isn't one: you will think of her and miss her because you love her.
Stay strong. Yes you miss her, but bad days will become less frequent, I promise.