Always on my mind.

It's been a while since I wrote on the blog. It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just haven't felt impressed by anything in particular to write about. It has been a really hard month in my grieving. I feel like I am back at square one. Confused, anxious, overwhelmed, sad and full of "why's."

I was reading in a book yesterday that a good friend of mine sent me, "This Is How We Grow." The author is a clinical psychologist and has been through her share of grief. She says,
 "I have been filled with an abundance of "why's" in my days. Some can be answered and provide deeper understanding, but many will never be answered in this life. Sometimes, in choosing to question "why," we choose to remain stagnant in our learning. We choose to stay in the dark- alone, frustrated and angry. The question I find more helpful is "How?" "How do I carry on?" "How do I do what I'm being asked to do?" "How do I learn from this?" "How" is a question of commitment, a question of action, a question of faith. Though we may not understand "why," the answer to "how" is always there."

So I got out my journal and wrote all my "why's." She is right. All but one of my questions will not be answered in this life. Then I wrote my "how's". All but one of those questions I could answer. And the answer to all of them required more spirituality, more holiness, more faith and more patience.

Why does Heavenly Father command us to read scipture, pray and think of Him everyday? It is for our own peace. So our spirit can be mighty enough to challenge the "why's" and keep moving forward.

There is not a minute that goes by that I don't have Jane on my mind. I am constantly thinking about her. Constantly. When I get to say her name and talk about her it is like a little release of all that is stirring in my brain. I love my perfect princess and all that she has taught me.

I'm going to make it a goal whenever I have a "why?" to turn it into a "how?" I am hoping this will be the change I need to have a better month.