Our last few days

I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions the last few days. Wednesday night our bishop and his wife came over and we cried, mourned, laughed until we cried and had a great time. It felt good, we are truly blessed with an amazing bishop and his wife.

Friday was a hard day. My anxiety was full tilt about flying with Jane's body to Salt Lake City. Flying in itself is a stressful thing, it doesn't scare me but it is stressful. Then add to that our circumstances and it was just too much. My mom had given me a Xanax and I took that, it didn't even touch my anxiety. I have taken Xanax maybe twice before that and it worked wonderfully. But seriously, Xanax had nothing on this anxiety. It was that bad.

 It was so strange being around people living their normal lives. Their lives are still moving forward while mine feels like it is on a giant plateau. Stuck.  I have been in this bubble of support, love, mourning, understanding and prayer; to go out into real life was so uncomfortable. I wondered what people thought of that lady with constant tears in her eyes and frown on her face. Who is she anyways, I don't know. I don't like being that person, but a smile is just too fake right now. The flight ended up being great, I felt totally fine. It was like my anxiety was just lifted off my shoulders for a few hours. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Then I received the best tender mercy. When we were waiting for our bags at the carousel I saw a dear friend's mom. I barely recognized her but before I even thought the words, I blurted out "Are you Alyssa's mom?!". When I told her who I was she held me and cried with me and brought me a lot of comfort, she knows her share of grief, way too much in fact. My friend who I hadn't seen in about 2 years was picking up her mom so I was able to go give her a hug and it felt so good to see a friend who could comfort me in such an uncomfortable place.

Today (Saturday) we had to go pick out a casket, a plot, flowers, plan a program and do all the awful things that have to be done to lay Jane's mortal body to rest. I have always said "no mother should ever have to bury her child" and I still believe that. It is awful, truly awful. I also said I could absolutely never handle losing a child, but here I am. I wouldn't say I'm handling it, whatever that even entails.

Right now I am laying on the couch with Bryan at his parents house. The BYU football is on, though I'm not paying attention to the game at the moment; football still feels good to watch. It is just the routine that is soothing. Huddle, line up, snap the ball, run the play, repeat. I love watching sports with Bryan.