Funeral

So I don't really know where to start. This week and a half we have felt so much love surround us. That doesn't mean we haven't experienced pain and sorrow that made it unbearable to even stand, but we have felt so many prayers helping to pick us back up.

I have learned why when we are baptized we are commanded to "mourn with those that mourn." (Mosiah 18:9) God can do anything, but He wants us to put forth effort sometimes too (Doctrine and Covenants 9:7). When all of our family and friends put forth that effort to mourn with us, cry for us and pray with us; He turned that into strength for Bryan and I. He hears your prayers and is sending them to help make our breaths a little easier. So thank you so very much, you have been the only way we have survived this week.

Tuesday morning started out with a trip to the temple. In a earlier post I spoke of the peace and perspective it brought so I wanted to start my day there. As I sat in the celestial room I was terrified to leave, Bryan mentioned it felt, like Adam and Eve, we were walking out into the "loan and dreary world." It was going to be a hard day.

This body wasn't her, but it was still the body that I created, loved, held, snuggled and kissed constantly. I felt like I said goodbye at the hospital, so yesterday was difficult but it wasn't any new emotions.

It was really nice to see so many old friends and people who have meant so much to me over the years. My college roommates came together, my young women leaders, our wedding photographer drove up from Vegas. A handful of friends from our undergrad days in Cedar City, some friends from Vermont who are back living in the west. High school friends, Bryan's mission president. This is just scraping the tip of the iceberg of people who came. I think the Ellis' won furthest traveled, they were here from Vermont. And I got to meet their perfect 3 month old baby girl and hold her. It feels so good to have my arms full with a baby again. If anyone needs a baby holder, I volunteer.

My dad gave the family prayer before we closed the casket. The boys gave sweet kisses, notes and a teddy bear to Jane. We closed the casket and Janes pallbearers were Grandpa Jim, Grandpa Bret, Bryan, Ethan and Nate. They were awfully cute holding the casket and "helping." Our service started with " I Am A Child Of God" and a prayer by Grandma Debbie. Grandpa Bret read the obituary then Ethan gave a sweet talk. Now you have to know that Ethan is terrified of getting up to even sing a song with the primary at church, so when he got up with no problem that was a pretty big deal. Nate really wanted to say something too so Bryan held him up and he said "I love my Janey." Then Bryan spoke. I tried so hard to focus and although I was hearing his words and thought they were sweet, I don't remember much of what he said. I know he said afterwards he felt like he couldn't express what he had in his heart. His love for Jane isn't possible to say in words. My cousin sang "I Know That My Redeemer Lives", it is my favorite hymn. Then President Elder spoke, he conducted the meeting. He is the former bishop of my in-laws ward and currently in the stake presidency. He spoke a lot about doctrine. Jane is in spirit paradise right now with our Savior (Alma 40:11-12). He read a scripture that said the moment little children's spirits leave their body they are taken to the "bosom of Abraham" (Luke 16:22) which basically means where the most righteous dwell. She has earned her fast pass to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom (Doctrine and Covenants 137:10) because she has no sin (Moroni 8:8). After the Savior comes again and Jane is resurrected (and Bryan and I if we die before then as well) we will have the opportunity to have her back, as a glorified and perfect 1 year old and will raise her until she reaches adulthood (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph F Smith Chapter 15). The only difference is that it will be in the presence of the Lord, in a perfect world. We will never have to worry about making mistakes, satan will be bound. It is a lot to look forward to and I am grateful for the knowledge we have of God's plan of salvation. Knowledge brings comfort. But it doesn't take away grief.

I know that there is a lot to be learned about grief, how it can mold us and make us better, more compassionate and closer to our Savior who has felt all the pain and sorrow that I am now feeling. But sometimes it is just scary and hard. It's meant to be, but that doesn't mean I will probably ever enjoy it.

There have been a lot of women who have reached out to me who have lost children. I feel instantly connected to them. I have a few friends of friends, women I have never met who have emailed me about what I can expect to feel. Also, my grandma (fathers mother) lost her daughter (my aunt) when she was 12 years old to cancer. I love my grandma and admire her, always have. But when she hugged me, she was sobbing and couldn't talk. She looked into my eyes and I just felt this connection to her I have never felt before. She knew. She didn't need to say anything and I didn't need to hear anything from her, I just knew what she was "saying".

All of these women have said the same thing about what I can expect:
- The next few months are going to be the hardest. That scares me. The shock and numbness wear off, flowers die, the messages taper off, and reality sets in.
- I have a lifetime of grief ahead of me that will knock me off my feet at unexpected times. That also scares me.
- Grief comes and goes in waves, good days and bad days. Even good days have bad hours and bad days have good hours.
- They all say I will never be the same person again, I have been through too much and learned so much.

I just hope all of my friends that have learned to like who I was over all these years will still like being around the "new Christy." Probably a bit more serious and somber Christy.