It's crazy how fast grief can take over my emotions.
This last weekend I have had a lot of anxiety. It was leading up to the general women's conference for our church that was broadcast on Saturday. All females ages 8 and older were invited. I think I knew what to expect; lots of little girls, talks about daughters and girls singing sweet songs about Christ. It was a pretty rough meeting for me to sit through. I could have left, but I decided I needed to be there and let myself be sad. That may sound masochistic, but sometimes there is profound inner-reflection and focus during really sad moments. And I need them when they come. They are great teaching moments for myself.
Sunday was a good day. A great day actually. I felt so overwhelmed with how grateful I am for my life. That probably sounds strange, considering the last few months. But I have a lot. I have so many wonderful, compassionate friends. An amazing family. A near-perfect husband. And three beautiful children. One who already has achieved the highest glory there is. I just felt so grateful and blessed.
Then it seemed like a steady decline over the past two days until I reached tonight.
I know rock bottom, that was the first days after Jane died. This isn't rock bottom, but it isn't pretty either.
I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is that has been making me feel so sad and anxious. Then my sweet mom, who is a wonderful grandma, reminded me. Today would have been Jane's 18 month birthday. I had completely forgotten. No wonder its been a hard weekend. She should be saying her first words, walking, playing with her brothers and I should definitely not be having to relive images of seeing her lifeless body in the hospital.
Seriously. I don't even know what else to say. Who has to deal with that?! It is ludacris that I have seen my baby girls body with tubes and monitors and no life. It just plain ol' sucks.
I miss that princess' diva scream and perfect eyes.
Grief is such a rollercoaster. It is constant ups and downs. The highs are so overwhelmingly wonderful, but the lows are really low.
2 Nephi 2:11 "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so..righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good not bad..."
Lots of hugs and prayers your way. I love you!
ReplyDeleteIt does suck, and I don't use that word lightly...ask my family! But it's the best word to describe what you are having to go through. It is just plain hard, and there's no way around it. Kind of like going on a bear hunt...can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it...got to go through it! So many people are loving you and praying for you while you go through it. XOXO.
ReplyDeleteChristy, I want to send you my story and how I am feeling since my son died. I have thought of you almost every day since I heard that you lost your baby daughter. I have met you before but nothing that you would remember. I worked on AZAC with your mom for a couple of years - several years ago. My son died two years ago this coming May 30th. Our story is not like yours, but grief is very similar to everyone who has lost something very precious to them. My son was not a baby, but 27 years old. But just when you feel that you have turned the corner and are starting to see the light again - your stomach becomes anxious for no reason; you feel a foreboding like something bad is going to happen again; or just thinking of them brings you to overwhelming sorrow and tears when the day before you were fine. I am so, so very sorry for your loss and read all of your posts. I will contact you sometime soon so I can find out where I may send what I want to share with you...Gail Warthen
ReplyDeleteHi christy, I don't know you at all but I found your blog through Facebook and I just had to let you know how amazing and inspiring I think you are. Your honestly and optimism while going through such a tragedy is an example to me of how I can and need to be better every day just going through my very simple struggles. Thank you for sharing your feelings and impressions so honestly. I'm praying for you and your sweet little family!
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