Two and half years closer....

I have recently noticed something strange about myself. When I read or hear stories of families that have lost a child- my first reaction is, “I could never imagine- how horrible for that family.” It takes about a second or two for my brain to click on and remember I am that mom, we are that family.

Over the last 2 ½ years we have learned to live with our heart in our hands and an angel in heaven. We never stop talking about her- Jane is never forgotten, ever! But sometimes my grief is.

And grief is such a beautiful gift. It's strong and can consume you in bitterness and sadness, but it also helps you remember and keeps you alive! It's this incredibly strong painful yet healing emotion.
I am torn in how I feel about slowly moving away from my grief. On the one hand- I recognize it is a blessing to not always hurt so much. But on the other hand- I miss not thinking of her every second of every day. I want to have her in my CONSTANT thoughts. She is probably in my hourly thoughts- but not every second anymore.

In the beginning days, weeks and months after Jane died every minute of everyday was gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, brain-searing, eye-watering and anxiety-inducing. And now I only have moments every week or so that feels like a sucker punch to the gut. It's just part of my life now and I have learned, for the most part, how to smile when I want to scream and how to laugh when I want to cry. 2 ½ years closer to eternity…..