I wrote up a post several days ago updating on our family situation. It has weighed on me the last couple days and I haven't felt like I should publish it. This has never happened, I have never felt so conflicted about whether I should publish a post.
To sum up the last post; I haven't been well. Pregnancy is a hard thing for me. Being sick and tired constantly are hard enough, but my anxiety has been the worst of it. It has been barely tolerable at best, and totally dibilitating at times. Laying in bed for hours waiting for a moment when my anxiety eases to fall asleep, then waking up at 4 am to a panic attack every single day isn't the best way to start your morning.
I asked Bryan to give me a priesthood blessing a week ago, the night before Jane's birthday and also the night before my first OB appointment. What Bryan and I both felt was that this pregnancy is a trial I have the opportunity to grow from. That through this deep trial, I will have compassion and appreciation for those around me who experience similar symptoms in pregnancy.
That honestly is not what I wanted to hear and I have dug my heels in, said enough is enough and I want to be better. But that didn't work either.
Today I have watched two Mormon Messages videos that have brought me back to humility and helped me remember that Heaveny Father did not leave me comfortless after I lost Jane and He isn't going to start now.
The first lesson I learned is: I am enough. I don't need to impress anyone with my put-together house and cute outfit. I don't owe anyone an explanation to why I haven't had makeup on in over a week or why my son watches 3 hours of tv a day so I can take a nap. My love for my family is enough. My messy, but mostly sanitary, house is enough. My strength to just play for a little bit and then let the boys play on their own for most of the day is enough.
The second lesson I learned today is: I have the power to endure. Every morning for the last month I wake up feeling like I will explode, but so far I have kept living another day. The power I have is enough to make it through another pregnancy. I can endure this because I have enough faith that my Heavenly Father loves me and has a greater plan for me than I have for myself.
Some may think it logical to question God's existence at this point, after all He isn't answering my prayer the way I want Him to. But I have felt the reality of my Heavenly Father in such miraculous and sacred ways this year it would be so short-sighted of me to turn away now. Especially when I obviously need divine comfort more then ever. He has answered prayers with such mercy and love I can certainly try to have a little faith for a few months while I pass through another trial.
Just like any parent teaching a child a difficult lesson...learning to ride a bike or eating healthy food...the difficulty yields greater blessings. In these cases; having fun and growing a healthy body.
I can survive this pregnancy because I can do hard things
