Monday, January 20, 2014
-Did you notice any signs or symptoms?
No. Well not until it was midnight and too late. I don't like answering this one. It is like my brain runs through scenarios of how I could have saved her and that is just too much for me. Especially when in all reality there just wasn't anything that abnormal about her symptoms so I couldn't have. It is also usually young moms who ask and that is not the answer they want to hear. They want to feel like they can control their kids mortality and something like that really rocks that security.
Also, to be very clear...Jane was vaccinated! If you slightly know me, you know I vaccinate. But meningitis can be caused by a lot of different things including virus. There are not vaccinations for viral meningitis. Please do not ask me that question, how my brain hears that is "Was this your fault?"
-How are you?
I'm okay. I mean I am better then expected. I guess what I expected losing a baby would be like is self-combustion and never getting out of bed until I died from drowning in my tears and sorrow. So ya...better then that. I am functioning. I have a really hard time getting up in the mornings. I have never been a morning person, but its like 3x worse now. I am SO exhausted I can't even keep my eyes open. And this is at like 8:30 am. I'm usually fine around friends and play dates, like 90% of the time. I can keep my emotions in check and chat with friends, including talking about Jane.
Overall, I have good days and bad days. Mostly bad days, like 70% bad days. I am hoping that number will get lower with time. But you know those bad days are healthy and needed. It means I'm dealing with it and this is real to me and I love her. So as hard as it is to just want to cry all day, the tears are a release of emotion and a sign that I'm affected.
Last week I had two good days where I felt genuinely happy. But that ended with those vivid memories of Jane's last morning. Whenever I am having my bad days it is because I am focused on the present, the here and now. When I had my two good days I still missed her kisses and snuggles; but I was more focused on the future, the eternity with her. Funny how something as simple as an eternal perspective can have such a profound effect.
-How are Nate and Ethan?
They are okay. They miss her a lot. Nate sometimes throws little tantrums of wanting "Jane back from her casket" like a 3 year old would throw a tantrum of wanting a cookie before dinner. I snuggle and hug him and tell him it's okay to miss her, but she isn't coming back from her casket. And when that doesn't work (which it usually doesn't) I get him telling his favorite memories of her. Ethan is basically the same but a little more mature in his sadness. He knows she isn't coming back but he still misses her and cries sometimes. I basically console him the same way I do Nate.
-How is Bryan?
He is okay (surprise! we're all "okay"). He misses her a lot but has such a strong testimony that holds him up. It doesn't take away the ache of missing her now but it does help soften the blow a bit. He is doing a lot better working in the hospital again, but he is on a really easy month.
-What can I do to help?
Prayers really are the best. And you dont need to be humble and say them anonymously. I like knowing so many people are effected by Jane and are turning to their Heavenly Father.
Messages saying you're thinking about us.
Notes in the mail.
Music! Recommendations are good. Some spiritual and some just feel good music. I got an awesome mix cd from a dear friend in the mail a few days ago and it was just what I needed!
Little inspirational quotes/videos you have read and thought I might like.
Funny stuff. I really can't tell you how good it feels to laugh when you are carrying a heavy load (emotionally. I imagine laughing while carrying a physically heavy load would be quite painful...)
A swept and mopped floor
....I'll stop before I start turning over my to-do list :)
-Are you eating?
Yes! I am familiar with the anxiety-inducing lack of appetite. I get that way after each baby. I know that I need to choke it down whether I want to or not. Luckily (or maybe unluckily) my loss of appetite only lasted a few weeks.
-Are you going to have any more kids?
Yes. We wanted 1 more anyways and that hasn't changed. I'm just waiting until I feel ready. There are a few things I'm nervous about. Feeling like I'm replacing her, not being able to give my love to another baby because I will just be reminded of Jane and still having to take medication for panic attacks that I can't take while pregnant.
Posted by Bryan and Christy Clark at 10:57 PM