There is no footprint too small to leave an imprint on this world.

Monday, January 20, 2014


-Did you notice any signs or symptoms?

No. Well not until it was midnight and too late. I don't like answering this one. It is like my brain runs through scenarios of how I could have saved her and that is just too much for me. Especially when in all reality there just wasn't anything that abnormal about her symptoms so I couldn't have. It is also usually young moms who ask and that is not the answer they want to hear. They want to feel like they can control their kids mortality and something like that really rocks that security.
Also, to be very clear...Jane was vaccinated! If you slightly know me, you know I vaccinate. But meningitis can be caused by a lot of different things including virus. There are not vaccinations for viral meningitis. Please do not ask me that question, how my brain hears that is "Was this your fault?"

-How are you?

I'm okay. I mean I am better then expected. I guess what I expected losing a baby would be like is self-combustion and never getting out of bed until I died from drowning in my tears and sorrow. So ya...better then that. I am functioning. I have a really hard time getting up in the mornings. I have never been a morning person, but its like 3x worse now. I am SO exhausted I can't even keep my eyes open. And this is at like 8:30 am. I'm usually fine around friends and play dates, like 90% of the time. I can keep my emotions in check and chat with friends, including talking about Jane.
Overall, I have good days and bad days. Mostly bad days, like 70% bad days. I am hoping that number will get lower with time. But you know those bad days are healthy and needed. It means I'm dealing with it and this is real to me and I love her. So as hard as it is to just want to cry all day, the tears are a release of emotion and a sign that I'm affected.
Last week I had two good days where I felt genuinely happy. But that ended with those vivid memories of Jane's last morning. Whenever I am having my bad days it is because I am focused on the present, the here and now. When I had my two good days I still missed her kisses and snuggles; but I was more focused on the future, the eternity with her. Funny how something as simple as an eternal perspective can have such a profound effect.

-How are Nate and Ethan?

They are okay. They miss her a lot. Nate sometimes throws little tantrums of wanting "Jane back from her casket" like a 3 year old would throw a tantrum of wanting a cookie before dinner. I snuggle and hug him and tell him it's okay to miss her, but she isn't coming back from her casket. And when that doesn't work (which it usually doesn't) I get him telling his favorite memories of her. Ethan is basically the same but a little more mature in his sadness. He knows she isn't coming back but he still misses her and cries sometimes. I basically console him the same way I do Nate.

-How is Bryan?

He is okay (surprise! we're all "okay"). He misses her a lot but has such a strong testimony that holds him up. It doesn't take away the ache of missing her now but it does help soften the blow a bit. He is doing a lot better working in the hospital again, but he is on a really easy month.
-What can I do to help?
Prayers really are the best. And you dont need to be humble and say them anonymously. I like knowing so many people are effected by Jane and are turning to their Heavenly Father.
Messages saying you're thinking about us.
Notes in the mail.
Music! Recommendations are good. Some spiritual and some just feel good music. I got an awesome mix cd from a dear friend in the mail a few days ago and it was just what I needed!
Little inspirational quotes/videos you have read and thought I might like.
Funny stuff. I really can't tell you how good it feels to laugh when you are carrying a heavy load (emotionally. I imagine laughing while carrying a physically heavy load would be quite painful...)
A swept and mopped floor
....I'll stop before I start turning over my to-do list :)

-Are you eating?
Yes! I am familiar with the anxiety-inducing lack of appetite. I get that way after each baby. I know that I need to choke it down whether I want to or not. Luckily (or maybe unluckily) my loss of appetite only lasted a few weeks.
-Are you going to have any more kids?
Yes. We wanted 1 more anyways and that hasn't changed. I'm just waiting until I feel ready. There are a few things I'm nervous about. Feeling like I'm replacing her, not being able to give my love to another baby because I will just be reminded of Jane and still having to take medication for panic attacks that I can't take while pregnant.


  1. At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet said: “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …

    “… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”5

    “A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6

    “Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory

  2. I'm sure you've come across this already, but this is very comforting. Like no other man, Joseph Smith always had an eternal perspective, he knew this life is short. I am really sorry for what happened to Jane, and honestly I can't really comprehend what you're going through because I'm not a parent/mom, but I do know that there is only One Person who can help you out: Jesus Christ. He is very aware of you and he does have the power to help you gain that eternal perspective at all times. Thank you for answering those questions so openly and thank you for being so strong. lots of love

  3. If it helps know that people you haven't seen in years are praying for you. My nephew had spinal meningitis a few months earlier than Jane. He's still recovering from the traumatic experience of the hospital stay but we thank our lucky stars that he recovered. So your experience hit way to close to home and we shed some tears for you. Our heart and prayers go out to you and your family. some good articles that may help

  4. I've been an anonymous follower, but thanks to this post, I wanted to tell you that your family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I got a text message from Vanessa Zinke the day after Jane passed away. I didn't know who your family was, my husband graduated from UVM med school the year your husband started. But because of that similarity, I feel we are connected. And my heart aches with yours. I'm so sorry for your loss, your daughter looks like the most beautiful, fun little girl! We have two sons and then a daughter and another son and I kept watching my little girl after I heard what happened and imagined what it would be like to lose her... and I came up with nothing. I don't think it's possible to really imagine and now you are living it and I'm so so sorry. I too am grateful for eternal perspective and I want to thank you for sharing your raw feelings and your testimony, it is inspiring. Much love from fellow UVM med school graduates. -Melissa Blake

  5. Your family is still in our prayers. Some challenges we are given in life truly seem too hard to bear and eternal perspective is all we can hold onto. As we live our day to day lives we don't stop and think about eternal perspective and Jane has brought that home to all of us. Thank you for sharing your story, your emotions and your testimony. Give those boys big hugs - Bryan included :) We love you guys!

  6. I have knelt at the Provo Cemetery now for 36 years.
    A sweet baby rests there with my name on his headstone. It is a sweet place of solace for me and my family. Holy ground. There will be lots of us there on the morning of the first resurrection with arms open wide to claim what is eternally ours.May you grow and know that she will always be yours. Take sweet courage to know she is part of your eternal ring. She will help you along and will always be mindful that you loved her and will raise her family too. She prays for your comfort and peace. She loves you too, but understands things that will yet be revealed to you. She is a breath away. She loves her family and is doing what you all agreed to do. Go forward and He will bless your tender wounded heart with a blessing of peace. Study and pray and study again.She has a great purpose as do you. He understands and suffered that you might understand too. I am a witness that He lives and loves you and is the Guardian for Jane. And He has her safe and warm in His loving Arms.Very Sincerely Lois Schaalje

  7. We have never met and probably never will but your story touches my heart. You are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your strength, weakness, and heartache. You give comfort to many, even if it is just to know they are not alone.

  8. My prayers go out to you and your family. I went through rough times a few years ago and these songs helped me a lot
    *Laura Story "Blessings"
    *Josh Wilson "Fall Apart"