I have always been a pretty open book. For good or bad, that's who I was. I liked sharing my feelings. Right now I don't know who I am. Several people who have been through losing a child have told me I will never be the same person again. I'm trying to accept that and hope that whatever comes of me will be a better version of who I was before. For what greater "refiners fire" is there? The tinges of heartache are physically painful and relentles. The memories of the scary minutes of losing her and Bryan doing CPR on our bathroom counter, shouting her name to react to us are haunting. This stuff only happens to random strangers on the Internet, not me. I already miss being silly and it has only been 3 days. It seems like It will never come back, all I can do is hope.
I read somewhere that when your faith is gone to focus on what you hope to be true. So I hope that families are forever, I knew it once and I hope that comforting knowledge of my testimony will return. I hope my sweet, perfect Jane is in the arms of her Savior, Heavenly Father and family members who have passed. I hope I can live a life worthy to see her again. I hope to be able to make it to tomorrow. I feel numb and sad all the time, everything I do I think I should be doing it with her. I feel like I have anxiety and depression running through my veins in every ounce of my body. My boobs ache as I am trying to dry up my milk. The physical pain is sometimes distracting from the heartache though. It was her favorite thing in the world, to nurse. She loved the comfort and I loved the snuggles.
Bryan struggled a lot initially but is doing alright right now. He doesn't know if it is a tender mercy to get through the next few weeks or if he is just able to do this. He has always been the most valiant, strong person.
Ethan gets sad sometimes. He misses her and wants to wish for her to come home. I don't think he totally understands that her mission here is over.
Nate didn't get it all until last night when we were saying family prayers, he kept crying because he wanted Janie back. He kept asking questions about where she is, when she is coming back and how far away heaven is.
We have so many people sending us messages of love and support. It truly helps to know I am not carrying this burden alone, and others are mourning with me. Please keep sending me messages and prayers. It is the only way I am getting through this.