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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

heartache beyond words

I have always been a pretty open book. For good or bad, that's who I was. I liked sharing my feelings. Right now I don't know who I am. Several people who have been through losing a child have told me I will never be the same person again. I'm trying to accept that and hope that whatever comes of me will be a better version of who I was before. For what greater "refiners fire" is there? The tinges of heartache are physically painful and relentles. The memories of the scary minutes of losing her and Bryan doing CPR on our bathroom counter, shouting her name to react to us are haunting. This stuff only happens to random strangers on the Internet, not me. I already miss being silly and it has only been 3 days. It seems like It will never come back, all I can do is hope.
I read somewhere that when your faith is gone to focus on what you hope to be true. So I hope that families are forever, I knew it once and I hope that comforting knowledge of my testimony will return. I hope my sweet, perfect Jane is in the arms of her Savior, Heavenly Father and family members who have passed. I hope I can live a life worthy to see her again. I hope to be able to make it to tomorrow. I feel numb and sad all the time, everything I do I think I should be doing it with her. I feel like I have anxiety and depression running through my veins in every ounce of my body. My boobs ache as I am trying to dry up my milk. The physical pain is sometimes distracting from the heartache though. It was her favorite thing in the world, to nurse. She loved the comfort and I loved the snuggles.
Bryan struggled a lot initially but is doing alright right now. He doesn't know if it is a tender mercy to get through the next few weeks or if he is just able to do this. He has always been the most valiant, strong person.
Ethan gets sad sometimes. He misses her and wants to wish for her to come home. I don't think he totally understands that her mission here is over.
Nate didn't get it all until last night when we were saying family prayers, he kept crying because he wanted Janie back. He kept asking questions about where she is, when she is coming back and how far away heaven is.
We have so many people sending us messages of love and support. It truly helps to know I am not carrying this burden alone, and others are mourning with me. Please keep sending me messages and prayers. It is the only way I am getting through this.


  1. Sweet Christy, I am truly mourning for you and your loss. We pray for you daily and your family is often in our thoughts. Hugs my dear. Hugs.

  2. You are such a strong person. I think it is so good that you decided to write down these raw and honest feelings that you have right now. Writing has always been so therapeutic for me. The hundreds of people mourning for you and with you are proof of how good and kind you and your family are. You have so many friends that are praying for your comfort and strength. I only wish I lived closer so I could be a physical shoulder for you to cry on. You are loved, Christy, and I know you will make it through this trying time and be a better person because of it. Thank you for your example of faith and strength. You truly are an inspiration.

  3. The goods news for Nate is that Heaven is not far away at all. You are so loved, Christy, and so is your whole family.

  4. Christy,
    Just know there are hundreds mourning with you. I'm only a stranger to you( I'm in your mom's ward) but I haven't stopped crying about it sinceSaturday either. What your going through right now is what every mother has asked themselves " how would I ever get through that trial" and there are no right answers. Your feeling everything that your supposed to. I remember someone telling me once that the reason I went through what I have in my life is because I was strong enough to overcome them, I wanted to scream at them "but I'm not strong, I don't want to be strong". Right now you don't have to be strong, the Savior will hold you up and support you, he will hold your hand. And maybe, just'll realize you got through another day. We all love you and we are all praying for you! I firmly believe and know that those who have returned home are watching us and involved in our everyday lives. Xoxo -Ashley Jenkins

  5. Oh Christy, my heart is just aching for you - I've been thinking about you and sweet baby Jane since Saturday morning.

    When my brother Shepard died, I remember my mom quoting something a friend shared with her about how now she was a shareholder in the resurrection.

    It will get better, and you will feel happy again. There are so many people who love you and are there to comfort you and help in any way they can.

  6. Andrew and I have been thinking about you and your sweet little family continually these past 3 days. Our hearts are heavy and we have been praying fervently for you. I am so grateful you are willing to share your heart with others, know that there are so many concerned and willing to do whatever you might need them to. I pray your hope will eventually return to undoubting faith, but for now, do not feel guilty that you feel your faith is gone. You have so many shoulders to lean on right now, and I hope you take advantage of them. We love you and hope you find some comfort.

  7. Christy we love you so much and wish we could shoulder some of your grief. In thinking about your beautiful family and the love that was so evident, it reminded me of something I once read. Here it is and I hope it helps in some small way.

    "Please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person adn nmot grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one's child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."

    It has truly been wonderful to witness the growth and obvious love you have for your beautiful family. Each of your children is such a sweet spirit and so beautiful. Although the grief seems unbearable at times, I cannot imagine a better place for sweet Jane then to be in the care of He who suffered all for us and our all loving Father.

  8. Thank you for sharing this. I've always admired your ability to express yourself and your willingness to be an open book. You're writing is honest and beautiful.

  9. Christy, from the time you were a little girl, you were the happiest, most energetic, positive and fun child. I'll never forget the day you fell into the freezing water at Silver Lake, the look on your face was priceless. That is who you are and you will find that person again. For now, cling to the hope you described. "Let thy mercy, O Lord, be upon us, according as we "hope" in thee" Psalms 33:22 Though hard to see now, that hope will grow into faith again. I think I speak for everyone in saying that we wish we could somehow take some of that anguish away. We will continue to pray hard for you and Bryan and Ethan and Nate. It is evident how loved you are by so many people. You and Bryan have built your lives around serving and loving everyone around you. I hope you can feel the collective love from everyone you have ever touched encircling you like a giant hug.

  10. Christy,
    I truly am amazed by the love and support that you have in all these messages over the past few days. As soon as I read that you had lost your sweet Jane I was overwhelmed with tears of sadness and heartache for your family. Having a baby the same age as Jane I couldn't imagine what I would do. Thank you for your honest heartfelt feelings and words! You and your family are in my prayers daily and I hope that you will find some comfort.

  11. I am a true believer that writing down you feelings helps heal in a way. Cristy you are so inspiring and all of us are better from knowing you and carrying this burden with you. I have no idea what your are going though most of us can't imagine that happening to us and our families. However, I have recently read the book "Let It Go" by Chris Williams. I don't know if you know his story. Of losing his wife, daughter and son in a car accident in 2007. It is an inspiring story about how is life changed through losing his family. And how he got through it with Christ. It may be something that could help you in the future. I love you and will keep praying for you always.

  12. Shalae and I can't stop thinking about you and Jane and your children and husband and hoping and praying you guys are okay. I know Shalae held her little girl Tierney and cried all night long that night. I go numb from shock over these things and cry later. Its starting to hit me more now. Thanks for writing about your feelings. I hope your happiness and silliness will come back, too. Jane wouldn't want you to lose it. Love you guys. You & your husband have been people I've silently watched & hoped to become more like. I hope you, Brian, and especially Nate and Ethan get the comfort and peace you desire.

    Stephanie Henderson Barlow

  13. Dear Christy,
    I cannot stop thinking of you and Jane and your family. I read what you have written and I feel so many things I do not know if I can explain. You are amazing, you are a wonderful mother, an extraordinary woman. Never forget that! Every word you wrote down here demonstrated that. I am truly sorry you have to experience such pain. I have never met you or Jane, only in that dream, and since that day, when I saw the two of you I cannot stop thinking of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. Don't give up!
    I think it is true, the pain will probably never really go away, but you will learn to live with it someday. I never really lost a child, but I have a child with severe problems, I do not know what will happen to him, I do not know if he will live long or not, or if he will ever walk, talk, sit, or even undestand what I am saying. I have learned to just live with this and accept it as it is. And to continue to live, my baby needs me and the other 2 children. It is not easy. But like you said, someday you will see Jane again! You will!
    You are strong, you are amazing and wonderful!
    I will pray for you again and again....and again....
    I am so sorry!
    Claudia Fotea

  14. Hi Christy,

    I'm not sure you remember us but we were in the young married ward in Cedar together. Anyways my heart aches for you and your family. Four years ago this last august we I heard the words "I'm so sorry" from my OB doctor. I was 37 weeks pregnant and Anthony was stillborn that day. I felt much the same as you described in your post. I still look back and I'm not sure how we made it through the numbness and sadness other than by faith in the Lord and support of friends and family. I am so sorry for your loss, but I know if you keep your faith in the Lord he will help you and your family through this trial. He loves you and will carry you through this heartache. Keep praying and we will keep praying too.

    Marilyn Hanuschik

  15. you don't know me, but we have several mutual friends on facebook. that's how i found your blog. as i read your posts, my heart ached for you, and tears ran down my face. it's hard for me to comment, but i wanted you to know that someone else is now offering prayers in your behalf. back in august we almost lost our 5 year-old son (he was 4 at the time). it was truly a miracle that he survived and is still with us today. when i read stories like this, i feel so blessed, but also feel a little guilty. why did my child get to live but yours didn't? i'm pretty sure that one of the answers to this question is that my husband and i would not have been able to bear the loss of our child. especially my husband. it would have ripped him apart. you are amazing and strong, and you can get through this!! it hits so close to home when i hear of heartache like yours. i may not know to the full extent what you are going through, but there were definitely moments while we waited through the unknown where i'm sure i felt a glimpse of the terror, panic, and sorrow that you felt and still feel. i'm SO thankful that you are aware of our Heavenly Father's plan, and that you're family is eternal. i wish there was some way i could reach out and hug you. cry with you. try to give you peace. just know that i'm thinking of you. i don't even know you, but i feel so much love for you and your sweet family. hang in there. don't give up hope. i can tell you are an amazing and strong person. you are in my prayers!

  16. You don't know me, (I'm a friend of Natalie Hughes) but our prayers are with you. My little ones will be praying for you and your family each day. Sweet, sweet Mama. Your Heavenly Father loves you and is there for you. Please take courage, know you are not alone and that you have countless people here and on the other side of the veil who love you and are fighting for your family. I'm sure your sweet baby Jane is fighting for you too.

  17. I don't have a big enough imagination to find words to express my sorrow.

    I believe families are forever and that only the most pure are taken from us so soon.