You know what decisions really suck? Deciding what size you want your daughters headstone to be. Deciding which color of granite you want and what designs and fonts to be used. Especially the very permanent "October 1, 2012 - November 16, 2013". I hate that dumb hyphen. Is it weird to hate a punctuation mark so much? Because I do. Why does my daughter's birthday already have a hyphen behind it?
Bryan and I have been talking with the mortuary, designing and deciding on Jane's headstone. Today he called me to chat about it while I was home alone. When we got off the phone I cried and cried. I miss her so much.
And then I knew she was with me.
When I feel Jane or know she is with me I don't hear voices or see things. I don't want people to think that I believe I have some special powers or anything crazy. It's much simpler and quieter than that. It is usually very clear, yet simple thoughts that I have. It's different than if I was thinking on my own, much more of a sacred feeling then that. Today felt very sacred, and for that reason I am not going to share all the details of how I felt and what happened. Sacredness is lost when it is shared too much.
I believe when we get to heaven we are busy. There is work to be done and Jane's work must have been very important to be called back so soon. Because of this, I don't feel her around all the time. And I'm glad I don't. I am happy to know she is busy, working hard and doing the things she needs to. Whatever that is. Maybe missionary work, I don't know. I think hanging around us all.the.time would get kinda boring and sad for her. So I'm happy that she isn't always with me. But oh I am so grateful for the times that she is.
When I know she is with me I feel calm. Though I still cried and cried, I didn't feel anxious. I didn't wonder why this happened, I just felt sad to not hold her. I also feel her love for me. It is a very peaceful and consuming love.
The words to the hymn Count Your Many Blessings kept coming to me. But the lines that I kept thinking are from different verses "Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings angels will attend, Help and comfort give you to your journey's end." Perfect and 100% accurate for the moment.Gosh I love my perfect little princess!