Sunday, February 2, 2014
It still hurts
I have been having a hard week. I don't know why, but my anxiety has been really elevated. It is constant. Constant heart palpitations. Constant "needles" in my skin. Constant spinning in my head. I am taking long deep breaths to try to find relief but that usually doesn't help. People always want to know what my anxiety is about; if I can identify it then I can work through it. But I have no idea what it is specifically. I am still trying to figure it out. I find myself "living" with it. I'm still around people a lot and am able to smile and have fun and enjoy myself sometimes, but my body is still physically manifesting its anxiety. It's like my new normal, and that scares me. I don't want this to be the rest of my life. But it may be.
Along with the anxiety has been my heartache. It is just as strong now as it was 2 1/2 months ago. The difference is I have lived with it longer so it isn't as unexpected anymore. But I still ache so much when I think about her.
I miss her teeny body, dainty fingers, gentle touch and soft skin.
I ache to see her scrunchy nose smile.
I want to feel her face burrow into my shoulder because she is be so happy I am holding her.
I miss when she would be nursing and we would catch each others eyes and she would smile really big at me, then go back to eating.
I still hear her scream. The "give me what I want" scream. It was loud and shrill, then she would smile and sigh and be happy to have our attention. She was a spoiled little princess and I secretly loved it because she was unashamedly a mama's girl.
I wish I could see her crawl to Bryan when he walked in the door again. We would get really excited and say "Jane, who's at the door?!" She would stop what she was doing and get a look on her face that said she knew exactly what was going on. She crawled as fast as her little body could go and Bryan would sweep her up. She'd give him a big kiss and nice long snuggle then do her little scream to get back down.
Those little moments of our life are what I ache for the most.
Sometimes I scream or cry or moan in my head "I want my daughter back!!!"
I miss my baby girl. So so so much.
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Christy, I have no advice on how to relieve your grief. I cannot even fathom how hard this must be, but the fact that you are pushing yourself to get out and be social is so remarkable. You are doing such a great job for your family!
ReplyDeleteI do, however, have some advice on anxiety. I suffer from seemingly reasonless anxiety as well, and two things have really helped me. In addition to breathing deep, finding a quiet place for a few moments can also help. Your brain may be paying attention to the chaotic noise in the background of your everyday life, and just having a moment of peace can help calm your racing heart. The other thing is to run through the list of things that are stressing you out. One by one, address if there is something that you can actively do to alleviate your stress. If there is, make it a priority to take care of right away. If not, try your best to accept it. I know that really must be hard considering what you are going through, and I don't mean to be insensitive. That's why I just say "try." That's all any of us can ever do. :)
I don't know you, but someone shared one of your posts on Facebook. I have read through much of your blog and wept. I feel for you & your family. May God continue to bless you with strength.
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