Three months.
Depending on where you are in life, three months can feel like a hiccup or an eternity. Our last three months in Vermont felt like they were on hyper speed. Yet, the last three months of my pregnancies seem to last foooreeevvveeerrr. Right now I am in some weird place between those two. It seems like forever ago that we buried Jane, but it feels like maybe a month since I held her in my arms. Sometimes I forget my groggy early mornings with her because they seem so long ago, yet I can still vividly remember her little scream when she wanted something. I call that her diva scream because it worked! Man she was spoiled and I am so glad she was!
Three months has made me a new person in so many ways. Most of which I appreciate. My ability to be kinder and less judgmental. I have learned to not care as much what other people think of me because I am okay with me. I have infinite more compassion for everyone around me. My faith was shaken. but not to the core. It is just going through a remodel. I can tell as I gain back pieces of my faith they will be with a deeper understanding and more eternal perspective. I have an increased desire to do and be good. I am able to empathize, not just sympathize, with those who have lost children. I don't just feel bad for them, my heart knows how they feel and it breaks mine all over to know their pain. I am able to love these strangers with perfect love. I like this new part of me. It feels good and makes me feel more whole.
Three months has also brought some not so good things. Significantly increased anxiety. A realization of my inability to control mortality. Panic attacks. Shaken faith; yes that is a good and bad thing. Sometimes I miss it and it scares me and I want it's comfort. Yet I know rediscovering it piece by piece can be beautiful and enlightening and I will be better for it. Emotional highs and lows that are dramatic and acute. I was laughing hysterically to tears with my sister tonight then 10 minutes later praying and sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow.
Is three months what society deems an acceptable amount of time to grieve? I have heard that society typically give the bereaved around 3 months before they feel like the grieving should move on. When people start to get tired of the sadness and the stories start to get uncomfortable. That's crazy to me! I just got started! I have a lifetime of grieving ahead of me. Please be with me through it, I could get on my knees and beg people to not want me to move on. Let me have that hole in my heart forever. It will be there whether its hard for you to hear about it or not. It will always be there. Jane, her life and death doesnt have to be discussed all the time, but it should be sometimes. Please don't ever hesitate to ask about Jane or bring her up. I love talking about my baby girl. I feel better when I talk about her. If she were alive, she would be a part of my everyday conversations and I ache to keep her there.
If you know someone who lost a child 3 days ago or 3 decades ago, sympathize with them. Tell them you love them and you think about the person they are missing. I guarantee they haven't forgotten, acknowledging and validating their memories brings comfort.
HI Christy,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Stephanie Waite. I saw a link to this post of Facebook and came over. I too have an angel daughter. My daughter Camille was just a week older than your daughter Jane when she passed away in 2008. I also wrote about my feelings after her passing on my blog www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com.
I just wanted to comment to tell you that yes my heart aches with you and I will be praying for you. There is so much I could write to tell you about that first year and what it is like to have another baby after and how I faced the faith questions etc. (I am also LDS.) But this comment is not the forum for that. And I don't know if you have interest in or strength enough to even think of connecting to other angel moms. I didn't for the first month or so. But eventually I found them a source of great strength. I even created a private blog for us to use to connect and post our most private feelings that we aren't comfortable sharing with those who haven't been through this.
If you are interested in corresponding or want to join the private blog I created, email me at stephaniewaite at gmail dot com.
I will leave you with one thought that another angel mom a year ahead of me shared with me early on that really helped me. At one year out most of my days were good days. That is what she told me and it was true for me too. I hope you will find this also.
Much love,
Stephanie
Christy,
ReplyDeletePlease keep talking about darling Jane. I really doubt anyone could get tired of it. Also, I feel it does some respect to those that have passed on. Sam was 10 years old when his oldest brother committed suicide and his family never talks about his brother. It makes Sam and I really sad that they don't. He lived. He did good things. Not talking about him does a disservice to his life. Talking about them and reminiscing keeps them alive and close in your heart.
I personally love reading about your progress, growth and change. You are amazing! I love you tons!
Whitney
I loved yesterday that you pulled that journal out of your purse and showed me. I loved that we talked about that picture, and the dress that she was wearing. I loved that we talked about your pregnancy with her. I loved that we have talked about missing Vermont and missing Jane. And even when we weren't talking I want you to know that I felt a comfortable silence and thoughts of her kept running through my head as I'm sure they were constantly running through yours. She is still very much a part of your family dynamic to me. When I think of your family it is always with her a part of it. Love you. This post was beautiful beyond words.
ReplyDeleteChristy,
ReplyDeleteI am a new mom to a beautiful little girl. I came across your blog because we are mutual friends with Natalie Hughes. I have not had a chance to read through your full blog yet. I couldn't make it more than just a few blog posts in before my eyes were covered in tears. I look at my daughter and cannot even begin to imagine how you continue on with such strength every single day after such an unimaginable loss.
The part where you said the mornings were the hardest because you hadn't made her sleep through the nights yet and still got up at 4 brought me to tears instantly. Because I am a crazy mom who can't handle listening to my baby upset or even think she might be hungry or cold.. I totally connected and understood how you felt. But I loved that you said that now you're so grateful you did spend those nights with her. You give me strength to recognize that each day with my little one is a blessing. Regardless of how sleep deprived and tired and covered in baby goop I always am.
Nothing I say can bring you any kind of comfort and I understand that. I don't know exactly where you live or if you are in Utah but I believe Natalie said you're. If you are I would love to do something special for you and your family. I do custom cakes and would love to make a custom cake on your little Jane's birthday as well as for your boys birthdays free of charge! I don't know when they are but if they are coming up in the next few months please contact me if that is something you would be interested in me doing. I know it isn't anything big but I believe in savoring and making those special moments as special as they can be.. and cakes somehow do that.
I am so so sorry for your loss.. I ache for you but know your daughter is in a wonderful place and is happy. She is just walking the streets of heaven holding her other siblings hands and smiling down on you guys.
You can contact me via email at chelseapj@gmail.com on facebook under ccalahancakes or call or text me at 8014949428. If you decide you would like something like that.