Mornings are the hardest for me. Every night I feel ok, not great, but ok. Then I go to sleep and wake up at 4 am. My body is still scheduled to wake up then, it was Jane's morning feeding. I hadn't made her sleep through the night yet, I didn't have the heart to and I am oh so grateful I never did. When I wake up I have this instant rush of anxiety that washes over my body. And my arms physically ache, they ache for my baby. I haven't been getting out of bed until around 10. I usually lay in bed and read talks, thoughts, scriptures or other things everyone is sending me on Facebook, the blog, text and email. It helps me cope until I can get out of bed. Im sorry if i havent responded to you if you have sent me something, sometimes Ijust dont have the words. Bryan has been getting the boys off to school. And then going for a run, it has been good for him to run.
He got an email today with his December schedule and he got a lot of anxiety about it. He isn't sure if he will be able to go back. Troy (my nephew who is 5 days younger then Jane) chocked on some food and threw up. It was really hard for Bryan to process since that is the last thing Jane did (throw up) before she stopped breathing in his arms. I worry about him, I have never seen him struggle emotionally, so this is new for both of us. It's hard, he has always been an emotional rock.
My mom and Katie have been taking care of everything. My sister has a lot of strength of mind and spirit, she always has. And her husband Todd, oh sweet Todd. He is my source of laughter. Big, good, belly laughter. I'm so thankful for him.
Each day seriously feels like it lasts 86 hours. It is so so long. I survive minute to minute, breath by breath. And by the power of all of your prayers buoying me up.
Dear Christy, I think of you constantly and of course sweet Jane. When I think of Jane I feel happier now than when we heard the news. Now it just feels good to know that she is in a place that she will carry on her beautiful smile without ever having to hurt. I think of you and it's a whole different story, I think you are much stronger than any of us reading your blog could be in this situation! I ache for you and I wish I could help you ache less. I pray you will have happy dreams that can heal your heart while you are resting and strength throughout the day to laugh and numb your pain! Lots of love!
ReplyDeleteYou do not know me, but I have a friend who is also your friend and after I heard about your story, I find myself thinking of you and praying for you and your family throughout the day. Today, I felt that I should share this site with you as this gentleman lost his son approximately one year ago and his writing is so poignant (like yours) and he is also LDS. I hope this may give you peace and support in some fashion. https://www.facebook.com/mitchellsjourney
ReplyDeleteI am also friends of someone who shared your story. You can add me to the list of people you don't know who are praying for you. My niece passed away in her sleep on October 30, two years ago. She was six months old. We still miss her, so much, and think of her especially often this time of year. If you think reading about the experiences of others who have gone through similar losses might help, you can read my thoughts, and my sister in laws here: http://amyheatherose.blogspot.com/2013/10/october-30.html
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you don't have regrets about making her cry it out. As a nursing mamma I can't even imagine how hard that auto wake up must be. I am glad though that you can be happy that you still got to feed her each night and spend a little more sweet bonding time.
ReplyDeleteChristy, our hearts ache for you and your family, and we have been thinking and praying for you. I'm so glad your family is there with you. There are so many people who love you and are praying for you. I had a friend tell me once that she could feel when people were praying and fasting for her during a time of serious medical problems. I hope that is the case for your family as well, and that you can feel the love and concern that people have for your family.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful you can find laughter. It's good for the soul. Sometimes, I try to avoid laughter when I'm hurting, but don't our loved ones want us to feel joy, as does our Heavenly Father? So I try my best to live for them--thinking, "what would they want for me?" and then going with it. I think gradually changing my source of motivation will come, but for now, living for them works well in my heart and mind. I am immensely sorry for the heartache, but grateful for all of the blessings you are receiving. What a blessing to have so many people mourning together and turning more fully to God, and to think, it's all because of one beautiful, sweet soul in Jane! How great will be all our rejoicing someday over that same, wonderful soul! In the meantime, the days are long, but you are making it through. And I find that a miracle.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we can only take things minute by minute. I pray that your anxiety and pain may be softened, especially in the lonely hours of early morning. I also pray Bryan feels of a comfort and strength above him. I love you guys! I wanted to let you know that my side of the family has you in their prayers as well.
ReplyDeleteI keep wanting to say something, but I know I don't have any words that will help. Just know that a friend of your friends - and we share some amazing friends, who all love you and your family SO much - can't help but keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. I cry and cry and can't sleep, trying to imagine how completely hard this would be...and knowing that I really have NO idea. I wish I could take a turn and share your grief... take your weeping, sleepless nights, aching and pain on...if it could give you some relief, if only for a moment. I would do it!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain my dear friend. For it has been 15 years ago that I lost my angel baby. I remember that day as if it where today. It took me along time before I could handle seeing pregnant woman little baby's. Even baby showers and funerals I could not do for the longest time. The pain in my heart has eased but my memory's are still strong. There are never the right words to say to greaving parents. I have kept you and Bryan in my heart and I feel for you each and every day. I am here for you for what ever you might need. I am so sorry that you have to go threw this terrible loss. I just keep thing that my Jarrett and your Jane and many other baby's taken to soon must have a very special place in heaven and a very important duty. I know he is with me each and every day and at times I can feel him around. Jane is with you to. She is holding your hand and whipping your tears. Hold those boy's tight and let them be your saving grace. Love you Christy and Bryan.
ReplyDeleteYour dear friend
Tammy Jensen