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Saturday, November 23, 2013

Our last few days


I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions the last few days. Wednesday night our bishop and his wife came over and we cried, mourned, laughed until we cried and had a great time. It felt good, we are truly blessed with an amazing bishop and his wife.

Friday was a hard day. My anxiety was full tilt about flying with Jane's body to Salt Lake City. Flying in itself is a stressful thing, it doesn't scare me but it is stressful. Then add to that our circumstances and it was just too much. My mom had given me a Xanax and I took that, it didn't even touch my anxiety. I have taken Xanax maybe twice before that and it worked wonderfully. But seriously, Xanax had nothing on this anxiety. It was that bad.

 It was so strange being around people living their normal lives. Their lives are still moving forward while mine feels like it is on a giant plateau. Stuck.  I have been in this bubble of support, love, mourning, understanding and prayer; to go out into real life was so uncomfortable. I wondered what people thought of that lady with constant tears in her eyes and frown on her face. Who is she anyways, I don't know. I don't like being that person, but a smile is just too fake right now. The flight ended up being great, I felt totally fine. It was like my anxiety was just lifted off my shoulders for a few hours. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Then I received the best tender mercy. When we were waiting for our bags at the carousel I saw a dear friend's mom. I barely recognized her but before I even thought the words, I blurted out "Are you Alyssa's mom?!". When I told her who I was she held me and cried with me and brought me a lot of comfort, she knows her share of grief, way too much in fact. My friend who I hadn't seen in about 2 years was picking up her mom so I was able to go give her a hug and it felt so good to see a friend who could comfort me in such an uncomfortable place.

Today (Saturday) we had to go pick out a casket, a plot, flowers, plan a program and do all the awful things that have to be done to lay Jane's mortal body to rest. I have always said "no mother should ever have to bury her child" and I still believe that. It is awful, truly awful. I also said I could absolutely never handle losing a child, but here I am. I wouldn't say I'm handling it, whatever that even entails.

Right now I am laying on the couch with Bryan at his parents house. The BYU football is on, though I'm not paying attention to the game at the moment; football still feels good to watch. It is just the routine that is soothing. Huddle, line up, snap the ball, run the play, repeat. I love watching sports with Bryan.

6 comments:

  1. Christy, I can't thank you enough for sharing your difficult journey. It has brought so much perspective into my life and I want you to know how much I look up to you for the strength you have displayed. Sweet Jane is most definitely proud of her mom. Hang in there, prayers and still flooding your way:)

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  2. I have thought those same sentiments this past week as we have been out and about. It brings tears to my eyes that lives go on while there is a family mourning with one of the worst heartbreaks ever. Reading your blog reminds me and brings great perspective in to my life. My visiting teacher dropped off a message last month, "be kind to others, you never know the battle they are fighting" has been up front in my mind everyday this week and with most I have come in to contact. Our prayers are constantly with you!

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  3. Oh Christy, how my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry that you and Bryan have to go through this. What a tender mercy to meet that friend and her mom at the airport. I am sending hugs to you right now too. Constant love and prayers from our house to yours!

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  4. Hold on to those Tender Mercies. They are there. And they are real. I am always amazed at the account of Nephi and Lehi going out into the "wilderness of their affliction." We all have those wildernesses. Yet it was there that Nephi said he would show us the tender mercies of God. All they brought with them was family and scripture. The Tender mercies are there. I hope you continue to see them. Love you.

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  5. Christy, you have already put the roughest (understatement, I know) week behind you you. Keep breathing, and those tender mercies will keep coming. I know I might sound like a broken record but I want you to know that we're still thinking of you, still praying, and we are bursting with love for you and Bryan and the boys.

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  6. Christy, I hope this isn't too strange - you don't know me, but I'm friends with several of your friends and have been following your journey. Thank you for sharing your tender testimony. I've been so touched by your strength and faith. Please know that prayers are coming to you from near and far.

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