“Be not afraid, only believe” by Bryan

For some reason I have been feeling the need to write down some of my thoughts. I have only shared my feelings with people in person, when it comes up. I am sometimes envious of Christy and the female nature that is so open to buoy each other up when they are having emotional times. Keep it up ladies!!

It has been 4 years since Jane passed away. She would be 5 years old now. The farther away from that day it gets, the more I get used to the new normal of living without her. I sometimes think about her more and sometimes less. But lately she has been on my mind a lot; maybe because of her recent birthday and angelversary today; maybe because of the many recent disasters (hurricanes, earthquakes, and mass shootings) and the pain that I can now feel for people that suffer tragedies of one sort or another.

I was recently moved to tears when reading in Mark chapter 5. Jesus had just arrived by ship after calming the sea and healing a man full of a legion of devils, and arrived to a crowd of people. And this is where my tears start: Jairus, a chief ruler of the jewish people, comes to Jesus and falls to His feet. (I can hear the trembling in his voice because I have been there) "My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live." (I remember my prayers having similar language that Saturday morning as doctors were working on Jane). Here is the amazing part of Jairus' story and my secret to handling losing Jane. Jesus went with him. The Savior was by his side. The Savior could see Jairus needed him. Even when people came and said that his daughter was dead and it was too late. People also laughed when Jairus put his faith in Christ. Jairus could stand all that because the Savior was with him. There were probably thoughts of doubt mixed with sadness, grief, pain, but still having hope. The Savior's words ring powerful "Be not afraid, only believe." I too, have also felt similar powerful feelings that day of losing Jane, and in subsequent days, weeks, and years.  Christ took Jairus and his wife and a couple of the apostles to witness a sacred event: raising their beloved daughter back to life.

I do miss Jane so much but because of the Savior's touch, she will live again. Just as Jairus and his wife were able to hold their daughter alive after she died, I too will get to hold Jane, because “He is risen”. Christ has overcome death and pain for everyone, no matter the tragedy you are going through. We are all living a small segment of an eternal journey, a journey that will be fair, a journey that though we suffer so much pain, we will have unimaginable joy because of Jesus Christ. If you too are having a painful experience, "Be not afraid, only believe."

Happy (almost) 5th Birthday Jane!

It's been a while since I've posted on here. I guess I haven't needed this release as much as I used to. I am so very blessed to be surrounded by people with big, compassionate hearts. I don't need this space as much anymore because I have people who ask me about Jane and let me talk about her.

My grief, however, will always be mine. Sometimes all I can do to get relief from my grief is to just dive into it head first. Grief can't be rerouted to a more convenient time. Grief isn't a race to get to the finish line, it's just part of who I am now. It's part of my everyday. I do dishes, help with homework, kiss my husband good morning and carry a heavy heart. Everyday. “Hi, I am Christy Clark. I am a wife, mom, Mormon, daughter of God and a grieving mother.”

Jane’s 5th birthday is next week and I'm starting to feel that anvil on my heart return. The knot in my stomach and cry in my throat. I wish so much we could be having a princess or shopkins or rainbow-unicorn-mermaid party. I wish I was buying a new dress to wear with matching boots. I wish I could braid her hair really cute and special for her big day when she is a whole hand old.
Instead I will slow down my pace, pray extra hard this week, attend the temple and try to feel her close to me. I will love her brothers and have more patience for them. I will share the gospel with anyone who is willing to listen because it is what brings me deep and meaningful peace. My faith is my comfort. Through my efforts of study and prayer, I have had beautiful and sacred experiences that I know were given to me by a loving Heavenly Father. These are the gifts I can give to my little Eliza Jane this year.

Happy Birthday baby girl!