Some Christmas thoughts

As I have been reflecting about this Christmas season and the new meaning it has to me because of the death of Jane, something that I have thought a lot about is my perception and connection with Mary.

We watched a film called “The Nativity.” It’s one my family has watched every year for a few  years. It shows Mary as what she was; a virtuous, young, faithful yet sometimes scared girl. I related to her, I wanted so badly to think I am somewhat like her. I wish I could be like her. We both lost a child, but the depth of her sacrifice is so much larger than mine.

When the shepherds came, she said He was for all mankind, which He was. From the moment of His birth, Mary had to share with him all mankind. I was very fortunate to have Jane all to myself. After all, she really only wanted me. Mary had to watch her son be accused and tormented by all around Him. All of this while knowing that He was the Son of God. She had to let Him go. She had to watch him die in the most painful and horrific way. I had to let Jane go, but she went peacefully and without much (if any, that we are aware of) pain.

I know I have said this before, but I feel this connection to women who have lost children. It’s like some painful club, and only those in it know the pain but we can all relate to each other. As I have been pondering about Mary I have thought of her being in that club. And if this club had a mentor to everyone, it would be her. Sometimes I feel honored to be Jane’s mom. She is destined to be an heiress in the celestial kingdom with God. She is one of the most valiant and righteous spirits. I feel honored to be chosen to be her mom , or maybe I volunteered in the pre-earth life. Either way, I don’t feel up to the task and I certainly don’t feel like an ‘honorable’ person worthy of being such a pure spirits mother.  But I can try to be.

Then there is Mary. She was so pure, so holy, so faithful and so righteous she was given the honor of being Jesus Christ’s mother. The woman who would provide him a physical body.  A body to the only perfect person ever on this earth and our Savior.  I can’t even imagine the depth of her glory and righteousness to be chosen for that.

So in my difficult moments, I will try to remember Mary.  I will try to remember her sacrifice and let her example buoy me up.

My First Christmas In Heaven

I know this is going to be a very difficult Christmas.  I was so excited to buy Jane-y her first baby doll. I had the one I was going to get picked out. I saw them at Barnes and Nobles yesterday and started crying in the store, grabbed Nate and walked out. 

I hope to be able to keep this Christmas more about Christ this year. About His life, His example, His teachings, His love and most importantly His atonement and resurrection. I know that is typically what we celebrate at Easter, but after all it was the greatest thing He did on this earth and the purpose of His mission here. It was because of that atonement and resurrection that Jane will be ours again someday. So I am going to celebrate that. 

A friend of mine gave me this poem today. It was a tough, but beautiful read.

 It seems like everything we are experiencing right now is like that; tough yet beautiful.  Sometimes you can't have one without the other.

I googled the poem and read that it was written by a 13 year old boy who was dying from a brain tumor. He gave it to his parents before he died. What a beautiful little boy with tremendous faith. 


I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular- please wipe away the tear
For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you the joys their voices bring
For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones you know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift for my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. 
After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing of love he has for each of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

How To Help Heal a Grieving Heart

Something a lot of people have said to me lately is "I don't even know what to say." Or they feel like anything they say isn't going to help. I know I always shied away from these difficult situations because I just didn't know how to handle them. So I thought I would tell you what helps me, and maybe it will help other people in the future too.

Just saying "I love you", "I'm thinking of you", "I'm crying with you" means so much. Simple things. You aren't going to fix this, so don't feel like you need to wait to have some profound words before you say anything. Really anything helps.

I have a wonderful church family in our area who has lifted a lot of burden for us. Mowing our lawn, decorating our house, hanging up lights, bringing meals, stocking our fridge, cleaning our house, picking up kids are some ways they have a served us. That has been been so helpful. We haven't had to worry about those physical things and were able to focus on our grieving and healing.

The financial donations we have received have been overwhelming and humbling. I haven't said anything about them yet on the blog because I didn't feel like I had the words sufficient enough to express my gratitude. Every donation we received felt like a giant hug. Picking burial plots, a casket, flowers, traveling expenses and all those decisions were so difficult and physically sickening. Seriously, I was having to take Zofran for my nausea because I felt so ill. I cannot imagine having to make those decisions under the stress of finances. We felt so blessed to be able to pick whatever we wanted. We were even able to buy two extra burial plots next to Jane for Bryan and I. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your generosity.

Hugs help. I have never been a huggy person, but I am now. It is a wonderful expression of love and they just feel good.

Sharing the faith you have, or even the faith you hope to have or wish you had. It inspires me and reminds me that I too have faith, it's just a little buried sometimes under numbness and heartache. But it's there.

Knowledge is power and I have found a lot of peace and strength in reading what prophets have revealed about the death of children. Where they are, what they are doing, why they were taken, when I will see Jane again and how it is possible that she receives salvation though she hasn't received her saving ordinances yet. A book that has been especially helpful is called Angel Children by Mary V. Hill, it is available on amazon for $8. She lost a son and spent a lot of time researching the subject in the scriptures and what modern day prophets have revealed. I have prayed specifically about the things I have read and have felt a strong peace of heart and mind. That is how the Holy Ghost confirms truth.

Prayers! I have believed in the power of prayer in the past, but I have gained a whole lot stronger testimony of it recently. It is powerful and it helps! I have shared this thought a few times already, but I know God hears everyone's prayers. Whether you are experienced or it is your first time.  Whether you're muslim, jewish, catholic, baptist, mormon, atheist, anything else or just unsure; if you put an effort into praying it will be heard.  Heavenly Father takes your prayers in high regard. When they are said for our family, he blesses you and us for it. So prayers, lots of prayers help. Truly.