Jane's 3rd Angelversary

With Jane's 3rd Angelversary next week, November 16th, we will be doing our annual #ElizaJaneLove day of service. I am going to try and attach the printable card below for everyone to print off on their home printer, or again with the 4x6 option to print off at any photo center.

Make sure to share what you do on Facebook, Instagram or just email me privately and use the hashtag #elizajanelove so we can see her light and love spread and influence the world!

And a preemptive THANK YOU for doing this. When people ask, "What can I do?", "Let me know if I can do anything."

This is it!! You may not understand how huge it is to see Jane remembered in your life and the life of strangers. I know she will be nearby everyone who serves in her honor. THANK YOU!

Grief Armor

Jane’s 3rd Angelversary is next week, November 16th. I never know how this day will go. In the past,  I have ranged from feeling pure joy because of the love and peace I am given to utter despair and emptiness.

In the last couple days my grief has felt like a suit of armor weighing me down. I can still move, but it's slow and heavy. I feel like a weight is on my chest and shoulders making it harder to breathe. Everything takes 3 times longer to do. Think, eat, speak, move....everything. My head is foggier. My “grief armor” has got me down more than usual.

My grief armor is also my protector. The breastplate protects my heart from well meaning questions like, “How many kids do you have?”, “What are their ages?” “Just 3 boys? You gonna try for that girl?”

But I can take this armor off, sometimes I can choose when and where I want it on. Somedays it consumes me unwelcomingly. Most of my days are filled with real joy and happiness. But occasionally my grief armor puts its heavy self and my life, mind and heart and all I can do is let it protect me and wait it out. It may be for today, it may be all of November.

Two and half years closer....

I have recently noticed something strange about myself. When I read or hear stories of families that have lost a child- my first reaction is, “I could never imagine- how horrible for that family.” It takes about a second or two for my brain to click on and remember I am that mom, we are that family.

Over the last 2 ½ years we have learned to live with our heart in our hands and an angel in heaven. We never stop talking about her- Jane is never forgotten, ever! But sometimes my grief is.

And grief is such a beautiful gift. It's strong and can consume you in bitterness and sadness, but it also helps you remember and keeps you alive! It's this incredibly strong painful yet healing emotion.
I am torn in how I feel about slowly moving away from my grief. On the one hand- I recognize it is a blessing to not always hurt so much. But on the other hand- I miss not thinking of her every second of every day. I want to have her in my CONSTANT thoughts. She is probably in my hourly thoughts- but not every second anymore.

In the beginning days, weeks and months after Jane died every minute of everyday was gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, brain-searing, eye-watering and anxiety-inducing. And now I only have moments every week or so that feels like a sucker punch to the gut. It's just part of my life now and I have learned, for the most part, how to smile when I want to scream and how to laugh when I want to cry. 2 ½ years closer to eternity…..