Jane’s 3rd Angelversary is next week, November 16th. I never know how this day will go. In the past, I have ranged from feeling pure joy because of the love and peace I am given to utter despair and emptiness.
In the last couple days my grief has felt like a suit of armor weighing me down. I can still move, but it's slow and heavy. I feel like a weight is on my chest and shoulders making it harder to breathe. Everything takes 3 times longer to do. Think, eat, speak, move....everything. My head is foggier. My “grief armor” has got me down more than usual.
My grief armor is also my protector. The breastplate protects my heart from well meaning questions like, “How many kids do you have?”, “What are their ages?” “Just 3 boys? You gonna try for that girl?”
But I can take this armor off, sometimes I can choose when and where I want it on. Somedays it consumes me unwelcomingly. Most of my days are filled with real joy and happiness. But occasionally my grief armor puts its heavy self and my life, mind and heart and all I can do is let it protect me and wait it out. It may be for today, it may be all of November.