The ups and downs of grief

It's crazy how fast grief can take over my emotions.

This last weekend I have had a lot of anxiety. It was leading up to the general women's conference for our church that was broadcast on Saturday. All females ages 8 and older were invited. I think I knew what to expect; lots of little girls, talks about daughters and girls singing sweet songs about Christ. It was a pretty rough meeting for me to sit through. I could have left, but I decided I needed to be there and let myself be sad. That may sound masochistic, but sometimes there is profound inner-reflection and focus during really sad moments. And I need them when they come. They are great teaching moments for myself.

Sunday was a good day. A great day actually. I felt so overwhelmed with how grateful I am for my life. That probably sounds strange, considering the last few months. But I have a lot. I have so many wonderful, compassionate friends. An amazing family. A near-perfect husband. And three beautiful children. One who already has achieved the highest glory there is. I just felt so grateful and blessed.
Then it seemed like a steady decline over the past two days until I reached tonight.

I know rock bottom, that was the first days after Jane died. This isn't rock bottom, but it isn't pretty either.

I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is that has been making me feel so sad and anxious. Then my sweet mom, who is a wonderful grandma, reminded me. Today would have been Jane's 18 month birthday. I had completely forgotten. No wonder its been a hard weekend. She should be saying her first words, walking, playing with her brothers and I should definitely not be having to relive images of seeing her lifeless body in the hospital.

Seriously. I don't even know what else to say. Who has to deal with that?! It is ludacris that I have seen my baby girls body with tubes and monitors and no life. It just plain ol' sucks.

I miss that princess' diva scream and perfect eyes.

Grief is such a rollercoaster. It is constant ups and downs. The highs are so overwhelmingly wonderful, but the lows are really low.

2 Nephi 2:11 "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so..righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good not bad..."