Count Your Many Blessings

You know what decisions really suck? Deciding what size you want your daughters headstone to be. Deciding which color of granite you want and what designs and fonts to be used. Especially the very permanent "October 1, 2012 - November 16, 2013". I hate that dumb hyphen. Is it weird to hate a punctuation mark so much? Because I do. Why does my daughter's birthday already have a hyphen behind it?

Bryan and I have been talking with the mortuary, designing and deciding on Jane's headstone. Today he called me to chat about it while I was home alone. When we got off the phone I cried and cried. I miss her so much.

And then I knew she was with me.

When I feel Jane or know she is with me I don't hear voices or see things. I don't want people to think that I believe I have some special powers or anything crazy. It's much simpler and quieter than that. It is usually very clear, yet simple thoughts that I have. It's different than if I was thinking on my own, much more of a sacred feeling then that. Today felt very sacred, and for that reason I am not going to share all the details of how I felt and what happened. Sacredness is lost when it is shared too much.

I believe when we get to heaven we are busy. There is work to be done and Jane's work must have been very important to be called back so soon. Because of this, I don't feel her around all the time. And I'm glad I don't. I am happy to know she is busy, working hard and doing the things she needs to. Whatever that is. Maybe missionary work, I don't know. I think hanging around us all.the.time would get kinda boring and sad for her. So I'm happy that she isn't always with me. But oh I am so grateful for the times that she is.

When I know she is with me I feel calm. Though I still cried and cried, I didn't feel anxious. I didn't wonder why this happened, I just felt sad to not hold her. I also feel her love for me. It is a very peaceful and consuming love.

The words to the hymn Count Your Many Blessings kept coming to me. But the lines that I kept thinking are from different verses "Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings angels will attend, Help and comfort give you to your journey's end." Perfect and 100% accurate for the moment.

Gosh I love my perfect little princess!

Spiritual Rags (to riches)

We all love those rags-to-riches stories. You know, the underprivileged person who despite the insurmountable odds became rich and successful. Like Oprah, John Rockefeller or Sarah Jessica Parker. What is it about them that strikes such an emotional cord?  

It's their courage to keep pushing forward in the face of challenge. Real, dirty, ugly challenge. They are inspiring because they had a difficult journey yet carried on.

Who has had a difficult journey? Umm...everyone! There is not a single person who does not experience some sort of turmoil.

Wealth is tangible so it is easier to visualize the success of the people mentioned above, but what about the emotionally and spiritually destitute? The people who are so overwhelmed by life situations they feel abandoned by God. They are depressed to the point of being unable to smile. Despite the prayerful pleadings for their desires (even righteous ones) they feel empty and void of the comfort from the Holy Spirit. I know many people who fit this category. In fact I have been one of them three distinct times in my life.

About 5 years ago, after a particularly difficult time in my life, I had a very inspiring and humbling thought. 

The strongest people are not those who seem to glide through life with perfect hope and faith all the time; the strongest are those who keep surviving and keep praying despite feeling abandoned and alone. The strongest are the ones who have earned their faith. They have prayed through dirty, scary, ugly times while feeling empty and scared because they merely hope to feel the promise of the Comforter in their life again.

That is real strength. That is real faith. That is real courage.

I feel like I am in the middle of my own spiritual rags to riches success story. It has been scary and dark and lonely at times. I miss Jane so much my body slugs along with depression and aches from the pins and needles of anxiety.  But I can see Heavenly Father turning my faith into something so much stronger and more successful than I ever could have done without this trial.

So if you are feeling helpless today, tomorrow or just in general for the last 6 months I hope you know that you are NOT weak and you can make it. Everything strong has been made that way through times of trouble. Like a muscle being exercised, use the weight of your troubles to strengthen your soul and character. "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead."

(By the way, I have had a handful of people ask if they can share my blog. My answer is an emphatic YES! If you think anyone could benefit from Jane’s story or anything I have to say, then please share away! I mostly do this blog to get thoughts out of my head, but I also really want Jane to continue to influence those who most need her. And if you feel it is appropriate, tell me you shared. Every time someone tells me they have learned something from this experience I feel a little relief in the purpose of it all.)

Three Months

Three months.

 Depending on where you are in life, three months can feel like a hiccup or an eternity. Our last three months in Vermont felt like they were on hyper speed. Yet, the last three months of my pregnancies seem to last foooreeevvveeerrr. Right now I am in some weird place between those two. It seems like forever ago that we buried Jane, but it feels like maybe a month since I held her in my arms. Sometimes I forget my groggy early mornings with her because they seem so long ago, yet I can still vividly remember her little scream when she wanted something. I call that her diva scream because it worked! Man she was spoiled and I am so glad she was! 

Three months has made me a new person in so many ways. Most of which I appreciate. My ability to be kinder and less judgmental. I have learned to not care as much what other people think of me because I am okay with me. I have infinite more compassion for everyone around me. My faith was shaken. but not to the core. It is just going through a  remodel. I can tell as I gain back pieces of my faith they will be with a deeper understanding and more eternal perspective. I have an increased desire to do and be good. I am able to empathize, not just sympathize, with those who have lost children. I don't just feel bad for them, my heart knows how they feel and it breaks mine all over to know their pain. I am able to love these strangers with perfect love. I like this new part of me. It feels good and makes me feel more whole.

Three months has also brought some not so good things.  Significantly increased anxiety. A realization of my inability to control mortality. Panic attacks. Shaken faith; yes that is a good and bad thing. Sometimes I miss it and it scares me and I want it's comfort. Yet I know rediscovering it piece by piece can be beautiful and enlightening and I will be better for it. Emotional highs and lows that are dramatic and acute. I was laughing hysterically to tears with my sister tonight then 10 minutes later praying and sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow. 

Is three months what society deems an acceptable amount of time to grieve? I have heard that society typically give the bereaved around 3 months before they feel like the grieving should move on. When people start to get tired of the sadness and the stories start to get uncomfortable. That's crazy to me! I just got started! I have a lifetime of grieving ahead of me. Please be with me through it, I could get on my knees and beg people to not want me to move on. Let me have that hole in my heart forever. It will be there whether its hard for you to hear about it or not. It will always be there. Jane, her life and death doesnt have to be discussed all the time, but it should be sometimes. Please don't ever hesitate to ask about Jane or bring her up. I love talking about my baby girl. I feel better when I talk about her. If she were alive, she would be a part of my everyday conversations and I ache to keep her there. 

If you know someone who lost a child 3 days ago or 3 decades ago, sympathize with them. Tell them you love them and you think about the person they are missing. I guarantee they haven't forgotten, acknowledging and validating their memories brings comfort. 

It still hurts

I have been having a hard week. I don't know why, but my anxiety has been really elevated. It is constant. Constant heart palpitations. Constant "needles" in my skin. Constant spinning in my head. I am taking long deep breaths to try to find relief but that usually doesn't help. People always want to know what my anxiety is about; if I can identify it then I can work through it. But I have no idea what it is specifically. I am still trying to figure it out. I find myself "living" with it. I'm still around people a lot and am able to smile and have fun and enjoy myself sometimes, but my body is still physically manifesting its anxiety. It's like my new normal, and that scares me. I don't want this to be the rest of my life. But it may be.

Along with the anxiety has been my heartache. It is just as strong now as it was 2 1/2 months ago. The difference is I have lived with it longer so it isn't as unexpected anymore. But I still ache so much when I think about her.

I miss her teeny body, dainty fingers, gentle touch and soft skin.
I ache to see her scrunchy nose smile.
 I want to feel her face burrow into my shoulder because she is be so happy I am holding her.
 I miss when she would be nursing and we would catch each others eyes and she would smile really big at me, then go back to eating.
I still hear her scream. The "give me what I want" scream. It was loud and shrill, then she would smile and sigh and be happy to have our attention. She was a spoiled little princess and I secretly loved it because she was unashamedly a mama's girl.
I wish I could see her crawl to Bryan when he walked in the door again. We would get really excited and say "Jane, who's at the door?!" She would stop what she was doing and get a look on her face that said she knew exactly what was going on. She crawled as fast as her little body could go and Bryan would sweep her up. She'd give him a big kiss and nice long snuggle then do her little scream to get back down.

Those little moments of our life are what I ache for the most.

Sometimes I scream or cry or moan in my head "I want my daughter back!!!"
 I miss my baby girl. So so so much.

Women's Conference Talk

My church had a stake women's conference yesterday afternoon. My local congregation is a ward, several wards make up a stake. And every year the women in the stake get together (there were about 300 women there yesterday) to have a conference. Basically 2 hours of mingling and a few talks given by pre-selected people.

The stake leaders asked me to speak on how I was able to find the courage inside me to move on during this difficult time. The theme for the conference was the Wizard of Oz and more specifically the line at the end, "You have always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn for yourself."

Whenever it was brought up that I was to be speaking the reaction I got about 99% of the time was "I can't believe they asked you to speak when it is still so fresh for you." And I thought I should clarify how they asked me. They were so sweet and said they had been praying to know who should speak at this conference and felt like it should be me. The sister who asked me said she hesitated and prayed for 3 days before to make sure and kept feeling like it needed to be me. When she asked me to speak she told me that it could be this year, next year or maybe in 2 years; whenever I was ready to share. She also told me that if Saturday morning of the conference rolled around and I was just not feeling okay I could call and cancel and they would just be down 1 speaker and it wouldn't be a big deal. They gave me every out. So I decided I might as well try. 

The thing that brings Bryan and I the most comfort about Jane dying is that it had a purpose. It gives it meaning and makes it feel like it wasn't all for naught. The purpose that brings us the most comfort is that her life and story are bringing people closer to their Savior. That she is bringing more love and peace and perspective to this world. And if speaking at Women's Conference would facilitate that, then I could do it. 

I wasn't planning on posting this talk because I feel really pretentious doing so, but after several people asked I decided that I would post it. So, here ya go:

My name is Christy Clark. We have been in the stake for 8 months. We are in the Millcreek ward. We moved from Vermont in June. My husband is a resident at Loma Linda University. We have 3 beautiful children. A 6 year old son, a 3 year old son and a 1 year old angel daughter who is watching over us from heaven. Jane unexpectedly passed away just 2 ½ months ago on November 16th from what we believe to be meningitis. The stake has asked me to come speak to you today about how I found the courage inside me to keep moving forward during such an impossible time.

I have found that we have two choices in our times of trouble. Turn away from God or turn to Him. Both paths will still be painful at times, but only one brings hope in eternal salvation. Both paths feel dark and lonely at times, but only one path are we actually alone.

Losing a child is the trial I always said I couldn't handle. In my silent prayers I would plead to not give me this trial.  The first few weeks after Jane passed through the veil were dark and sad. Yet at the same time filled with tender mercies. Those tender mercies are always there if we will seek for them.

Why would Heavenly Father give me the one thing I did not want to endure?  I could barely speak above a whisper, eating anything was difficult, I cried all day and couldn’t muster a smile for anything. I tell you this not to be depressing, but so you know that I have been there. There may be some of you who feel like you are experiencing exactly what you cannot handle. You may feel like Heavenly Father has left you alone. I have been there. It is a terrible place to be. I pled with Him to help me out. Someone shared a quote from Elder Uchtdorf with me “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.” So I prayed. I constantly prayed to have that calming reassurance of a testimony put back together. Because I had a strong testimony before Jane passed away, it withstood the storm. I found that the pieces of my testimony came back together easier than I expected. And they can for you too. I promise you they can.

One of my mantra’s through this trial has been a quote from Elder Holland:  “Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”

There is a common phrase I have used many times in the past “God won’t give you more then you can handle.” I’m sure some of you have said it too. I think we have formed this idea from 1 Corinthians 10:13, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

But I want to tell you that God WILL give you more then you can handle. It is part of our experience in this life to be tested, really tested. That scripture says that God will “make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” It no where says “You will be able to handle it on your own.” The scripture says He will give us a way to handle it. And through those incredibly scary and dark  times we need to learn that the only way we can handle it, is through our Savior. “ And behold, I am the alight and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter bcup which the Father hath given me.”  Jesus Christ is that light that can break through the darkness of our scary times. Turn to Him! He is the way to escape!  

This quote by President Monson speaks so beautifully of how our Heavenly Father feels about us. He knows we will struggle, it’s why we are here. But He hasn’t asked us to struggle alone. He says, “Wherever we are in life, there are times when all of us have challenges and struggles. Although they are different for each, they are common to  all. There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith. When you find yourself in such circumstances, I plead with you to remember prayer. Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you deserve love. It is simply always there.”

I want you to know what Oz taught the cowardly lion is true, “You have plenty of courage, I am sure, All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty.” I think that is the courage we have inside of us. To just keep moving when we are facing danger, to just keep praying when we feel lost, to just keep hoping when we are afraid. In our darkest times, sometimes that is all we can do.  It takes courage to realize that we cannot get through this life on our own. It takes courage to put our trust in God when we feel forsaken. This is from the Emma Smith movie, “Strength isn’t something you have, its something you find.”  I want you to know you are a daughter of God, you have been given power to do all things asked of you in Christ. You can do hard things! If I can, you can!

Sister Sheri Dew says about You, “Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are and who you have always been.”

I know all these things to be true. You are noble, you are faithful and you are courageous. God loves you. He wants you to succeed!

F.A.Q.

F.A.Q.
-Did you notice any signs or symptoms?

No. Well not until it was midnight and too late. I don't like answering this one. It is like my brain runs through scenarios of how I could have saved her and that is just too much for me. Especially when in all reality there just wasn't anything that abnormal about her symptoms so I couldn't have. It is also usually young moms who ask and that is not the answer they want to hear. They want to feel like they can control their kids mortality and something like that really rocks that security.
Also, to be very clear...Jane was vaccinated! If you slightly know me, you know I vaccinate. But meningitis can be caused by a lot of different things including virus. There are not vaccinations for viral meningitis. Please do not ask me that question, how my brain hears that is "Was this your fault?"


-How are you?

I'm okay. I mean I am better then expected. I guess what I expected losing a baby would be like is self-combustion and never getting out of bed until I died from drowning in my tears and sorrow. So ya...better then that. I am functioning. I have a really hard time getting up in the mornings. I have never been a morning person, but its like 3x worse now. I am SO exhausted I can't even keep my eyes open. And this is at like 8:30 am. I'm usually fine around friends and play dates, like 90% of the time. I can keep my emotions in check and chat with friends, including talking about Jane.
Overall, I have good days and bad days. Mostly bad days, like 70% bad days. I am hoping that number will get lower with time. But you know those bad days are healthy and needed. It means I'm dealing with it and this is real to me and I love her. So as hard as it is to just want to cry all day, the tears are a release of emotion and a sign that I'm affected.
Last week I had two good days where I felt genuinely happy. But that ended with those vivid memories of Jane's last morning. Whenever I am having my bad days it is because I am focused on the present, the here and now. When I had my two good days I still missed her kisses and snuggles; but I was more focused on the future, the eternity with her. Funny how something as simple as an eternal perspective can have such a profound effect.


-How are Nate and Ethan?

They are okay. They miss her a lot. Nate sometimes throws little tantrums of wanting "Jane back from her casket" like a 3 year old would throw a tantrum of wanting a cookie before dinner. I snuggle and hug him and tell him it's okay to miss her, but she isn't coming back from her casket. And when that doesn't work (which it usually doesn't) I get him telling his favorite memories of her. Ethan is basically the same but a little more mature in his sadness. He knows she isn't coming back but he still misses her and cries sometimes. I basically console him the same way I do Nate.


-How is Bryan?

He is okay (surprise! we're all "okay"). He misses her a lot but has such a strong testimony that holds him up. It doesn't take away the ache of missing her now but it does help soften the blow a bit. He is doing a lot better working in the hospital again, but he is on a really easy month.
-What can I do to help?
Prayers really are the best. And you dont need to be humble and say them anonymously. I like knowing so many people are effected by Jane and are turning to their Heavenly Father.
Messages saying you're thinking about us.
Notes in the mail.
Flowers
Meals
Music! Recommendations are good. Some spiritual and some just feel good music. I got an awesome mix cd from a dear friend in the mail a few days ago and it was just what I needed!
Little inspirational quotes/videos you have read and thought I might like.
Funny stuff. I really can't tell you how good it feels to laugh when you are carrying a heavy load (emotionally. I imagine laughing while carrying a physically heavy load would be quite painful...)
Visitors
Play-dates
A swept and mopped floor
....I'll stop before I start turning over my to-do list :)

-Are you eating?
Yes! I am familiar with the anxiety-inducing lack of appetite. I get that way after each baby. I know that I need to choke it down whether I want to or not. Luckily (or maybe unluckily) my loss of appetite only lasted a few weeks.
-Are you going to have any more kids?
Yes. We wanted 1 more anyways and that hasn't changed. I'm just waiting until I feel ready. There are a few things I'm nervous about. Feeling like I'm replacing her, not being able to give my love to another baby because I will just be reminded of Jane and still having to take medication for panic attacks that I can't take while pregnant.

The post I have been avoiding....

I couldn't write this one. Every time I tried my fingers shook and my anxiety overwhelmed me like I was drowning in it. But I know a lot of people have questions, so it needed to be done. I had to ask Bryan to write her story.
 I have added my experience in between his. Mine will be in blue in between his. I am sorry if it all seems disjointed with two different perspectives going on, I just don't know a better way to do it.

Many people might be wondering about the events and details that took place with Jane.  Christy had thought we might wait till we actually have an official cause of death, but it looks like it might be another 4 months or so until we find out.  The leading diagnosis for her death was acute bacterial meningitis; however, in order to diagnose someone with meningitis you need to perform a lumbar puncture and study the CSF fluid.  In the following story you will find out that she was too unstable to perform a lumbar puncture and thus we are left waiting for the post-mortem biopsies and studies to determine the exact cause of death. 

I would like to start by stating that it has been very obvious to both Christy and I that this was Heavenly Father’s plan.  Although as painful  as this is, it has been very sweet in many instances remembering and continuing to see God’s hand in our lives.  There is no doubt about that.

Jane had been a very healthy child.  She was never hospitalized and never had more than the typical runny noses and mild fevers.  Leading up to November 15^th we had not noticed anything abnormal about her health.  It was a typical Friday night.  We had finished putting the boys to bed.  Usually Jane would go to bed soon after the boys but she wasn’t very tired.  She fought to stay awake and be with mom.  She won us over as she usually did.  Christy even said that she was “being extra cute” that night, and took a 3 minute video of her (having that video is one of many “tender mercies”).  We finally put her to bed sometime around 10 o’clock.  We watched a movie.  Then as we were going to bed around midnight she started to cry.  Crying is not unusual so we didn’t think anything of it.  After a little while the cry sounded a little different so I went to get her out of bed to nurse and sleep with Christy.  When I picked her up I noticed that she felt warm and was a little lethargic.  She responded as usual to me but was a little weak.  When I went to lay her down with Christy she had a very exaggerated moro reflex (startle reflex).  Whenever my kids are sick, I often worry about the worst case scenarios, thanks to the great medical education I have received without the years of experience.  My mind started to worry, but I reasoned it out because of the much more common illnesses that are always around.  We measured her temperature to be 101-102 degrees.  We fed her some Tylenol and ibuprofen and Christy nursed.  She nursed just fine.  After nursing for a couple minutes she vomited.  We cleaned things up. Christy thought it would be good that I give her a priesthood blessing, which I was more than happy to do.  I volunteered to sleep with Jane and let Christy get some sleep in the guest room.  She continued to be lethargic and sleepy, but wouldn’t fall asleep.  I watched her for a while, not being able to sleep. I was a little uneasy, but thought that she probably just had gastritis.  Around 4:00 am she slowly started to act a little more strange. She reached out her hands in the air as if to grab something, but she would turn her head to look at me when I called her name.  Thinking some warm milk might help her fall asleep, I fed her just a little bit so she wouldn’t vomit again.  She finally fell asleep around 5:00 am, which allowed me to sleep as well. 

Jane woke me up at 6:00 am vomiting again.  I reached over to turn her so she wouldn’t aspirate.  After vomiting for what seemed like forever, I awaited the usual deep inspiration that normally ensued.  It didn’t come.  She wasn’t gasping for air as if something was stuck blocking the airway, she just didn’t breath.  I started to panic.  I yelled for Christy.  As I ran with Jane to the bathroom sink, I had Christy call 911.  I yelled at Jane hoping that I would wake her up, silently saying a helpless prayer.  I tried several breaths of air. I tilted her head back and held her jaw up, hoping to open up the airway.  After a couple minutes she started to breathe again, although the breathing was very irregular and agonal.  Then a small bit of the panic and adrenaline had settled down and I started to think a little more clearly.  I realized that even though she was breathing, she was not there.  Her eyes were open, but they were not following or responding to anything.  I tried to feel for pulses but had never been good at pediatric pulses anyways. 

I woke up to Bryan shouting my name at 6 am. I ran into our bedroom and saw vomit on the bed and found Bryan in our bathroom holding our limp daughter.  I have never seen panic and fear on his face like that. I grabbed my phone and with shaky terrified hands I called 911. I was talking to the dispatcher and she wanted to know when Jane was taking breaths.  They were rapid and shallow. My thought was “Oh good! She is breathing. She will be fine.” At this point I didn’t think she would die, that couldn’t happen.

During all this, Christy was talking to the 911 operator and trying to ask me questions and transmit those answers back.  Finally the paramedics arrived and Christy called our neighbor who ran to our house and was there within 2 or 3 minutes. The paramedics started to put monitors on her, bag mask her, and finally got her into the ambulance.  As I put on some clothes, the ambulance left.  Christy stayed back with the boys to make sure they were ok and I drove off in my car.  Good thing it was so early in the morning because I was running every red light.  I beat the ambulance to the hospital, to my hospital.  I was no longer the responder to the trauma.  The ambulance arrived and she had not improved in the ambulance ride.  They took her to her room and the doctors started working on her.  She was hypotensive and they started some medicine to help increase her blood pressure.  They intubated her.  Many other things happened as I paced around the corner, trying not to hear all the things they were doing to my little baby girl.  One of the ED attending’s not working on Jane came and embraced me and offered say a prayer, which I welcomed.  Christy finally arrived along with our neighbor who came to help give a priesthood blessing.  There was too much going on to give her one.  They paged anesthesia to come assist because her oxygen concentration would drop for a couple minutes, then come back up.  Another ED attending came inquiring what had happened, hoping to get information that would help.  We concluded that among others, maybe she had meningitis and she was started on a bunch of antibiotics to cover bacteria and viruses that would cause meningitis.  She finally was taken to the CT scan.  A neurosurgery resident came to talk to us and tell us about the CT scan, even walking us to the computer to show us.  Essentially her brain was being squished by pressure.  He put a bolt in her head that measured the intracranial pressure.  Normal intracranial pressure is around 10 mm Hg (1-20 mm Hg).  Above 20 mm Hg is elevated.  Her intracranial pressure was measuring between 90 -120 mmHg.  The doctors talked to us and wanted us to come see her even though they were still working on her.  She had the bolt in her head, was intubated, had several iv lines, and the anesthesiologists were trying to put in a femoral central iv line.  We stood as out of the way as we could and held her hand and rubbed her head. 

After the boys woke up I got them breakfast and sat with them and our neighbor for a bit, not knowing if I should stay with them or go to the hospital. After about 15 minutes I decided I needed to go and our neighbor took the boys to her house.  I called my parents and in-laws, told them what was happening and told them to come immediately. As I was leaving the house a friend called my cell.  Her husband (another resident) was working the ED and he called her to tell her Jane had just arrived.  She was asking me “what is going on?” and I remember thinking I had no idea what to tell her but I still felt like Jane was going to live.  Somewhere between the end of that phone call and arriving at the hospital I had a very clear, very penetrating thought “YOU AND BRYAN will be fine.” When I got to the hospital Bryan was crying. More like sobbing. He was so worried and sick and panicked. I couldn’t cry; I was in shock. I felt so nauseous. I held Bryan and kept asking him what the doctors were saying and what it meant and he just couldn’t tell me. He kept saying “I don’t like hearing it. I know what they are talking about and I can’t listen.” So I covered his ears and held him and told him my thought in the car, that we would be okay. I really didn’t want to say the words aloud, but I felt another strong prompting to say them aloud. I’m glad I did because I think saying them out loud helps me now to remember them more clearly. “We are going to be okay.” Our Bishop, Elders Quorum President and another member in our ward (church) came to be with us. The other member is a doctor who works closely with LLUMC and kept going back into her area with the doctors and coming back to tell us what was happening.  I’m so grateful for his insight and expertise.

During this time in the ED, several residents and attending’s that Bryan worked with heard and came down to see him and sometimes it looked like they were holding him. The word spread very quickly he was a resident and I think it made it very emotional for the whole team working on Jane knowing he was “one of them.” In fact, they kept saying “I hear you are one of us”, hugging him and crying. It hit real close to home for everyone.

After she was moved up to the PICU is about when my adrenaline wore off. I was exhausted and couldn’t stop crying.  Our friend (who happens to also be the world’s best landlords) came to the hospital and she held me a lot and cried with me. My mom and little brother got to the hospital and I have never seen my mom cry like that before. It was hard for all of us. Blake was so distraught, yet such a rock for my mom and  I.

She was finally transferred up to the PICU.  There they continued to struggle to keep her blood pressure up.  By now they were slowly titrating up her two different “pressors” (meds to keep up her blood pressure).  But as her blood pressure increased her intracranial pressure would increase equally.  She was maxed out on all medicines they could give to her and she wasn’t improving at all. After talking with the doctors we decided to stop treating her.  They slowly lowered the pressors, allowed Christy to hold her, and turned off the ventilator.  She was declared a little after noon on November 16^th.  We continued to hold her body till late in the evening as family drove down from Las Vegas and flew down from Salt Lake.  

As a doctor you have to learn to shut off emotion while you are treating a trauma. You need to be able to think clearly. This has actually been a struggle for Bryan the last 6 months in residency. But I hear that sometimes, it is just too hard and the providers get emotionally involved. A friend of a friend was one of Jane’s nurses in the ED. We were told after Jane was moved to the PICU, they all cried. The ED attending came to our PICU room around 5 pm sobbing. He hugged Bryan and kept saying “I wish I could have done more. I am so so sorry. I wish there was something else I could have done.” It meant a lot to us that she didn’t go unnoticed. Her sweet, short and perfect life really touched everyone around her.